Dreaming....

When I was small I used to dream

that my Mother would stop doing

the housework and spend time with

me.


When I was small I used to dream

that my Father would stop his

drinking and pay attention to me.


When I was small I used to dream

that my Father would not abuse

my Mother.


When I was small I used to dream

that my Parents loved one another.


When I started growing up I used

to dream that my home life was

all that I needed and wanted it to be.


Even more as I grew, I used to dream

of someday having a home filled with

love.


I used to dream that I would find

someone to love me in a special way.


I used to dream that my Mother had not

died but were here to help guide me.


I used to dream that my Father would

stop abusing himself and come home to

take care of his Daughters.


I used to dream of not being shuffled

from pillar to post so that I could

grow roots and thrive.


I used to dream that my Sisters and

I would not continually be separated

from one another.


As I grew older I dreamed that I

would excel in school and I did, as

that was my home away from the

home that was supposed to be.


I then grew up. I was no

longer a child but I was very much

a woman/child who gave up on

Dreaming....


And all of these years later, as I

go through all of those dreams

and wishes and wants I realized

what I want more than anything

is to Love Myself.  


I don't know how to do that specifically

but I do know this...I am going to do

this if it kills me. 


I am going to keep on dreaming of the

day when I can look at myself in the

mirror and reflect back the beauty that

others see in me.


I dream I can trust myself on this one!


I dream that Great Spirit will hold me

gently while I go through this terrifying

process of recognizing the Divine Being

that I was created to be.


I dream that I will quit lying to myself

and sink into that 'be-ing-ness' with

every fiber I am made of and show

myself the Warrior Woman I have

always shown to others so that I

can stop the damned Dreaming and

Live!


I am going to stop Living myself

through others and Live and Love

for me.


The boundary is now in place.



I have said it for the whole world to

hear.  It's scary right now, but I am

going to hold fast to the Dream of

looking in the mirror and reflecting

back...what others see in me.



Instead of Dreaming, I will be able

to Sleep, Rise and Live in Joy.



I am Forgiving Myself.


For all those who have shown me
aspects of myself over the years
to which I ignored as being untrue
I say forgive me, and I say thank
you for believing in me when I have
never believed in myself.

I thank also a young woman whom
I have come to adore, who yesterday
took it upon herself to show me
what I needed to see.  You know
who you are. and I'd like to leave
it in the ethers...I am not ready to
share that part yet.

Grandmothers can learn too....

A'HO!