Grateful for the Lessons

I've had several epiphanies since
my last post about loving myself.

One is that because I didn't have
a mother who was present when
she was alive: and who died when
I was a young, tender girl of eleven,
I have not had a clue how to 'mother'
myself really but somehow I made
it through.  A series of watching and
observing my own Grandmothers, as
well as other women in my life did
help me to figure some of it out but
mostly on very basic levels.

As I sat for days thinking about my
not loving myself I came to realize that
indeed there have been moments in my
life when I did.  It took me the better
part of a week to look way back inside
of me and brings things to the forefront
that I have long laid aside.

In my spirit, my direct experience of
the journey I have walked has been
filled with many painful happenings.
I care not to share them for they are
mine.  When I feel ready to I may, but
that is not what this is about.  I came
to realize that the pain, along with the
parts I have numbed over they years,
as well as the okay times, the happy
times, are all who I now am.  I embrace
each one of those experiences just
like they are and am grateful that I
had those experiences as they make me
well, me!  That brings me joy.  It may
not be the jump up and down kind of
exuberant joy but it is 'My Joy!'

I am where I am today because it is
exactly where I need to be.  I read
that in a book by Melodie Beattie
many years ago...and I swooped on
that mantra like an eagle spotting
food in the waters and took it in.
Many times I've forgotten it.  Many
times I have railed against the belief
systems my tribe taught me, I have
railed at myself for my own ignorance
and stupidity for having not seen the
true light of something before plunging
off the cliff into uncharted territory, only
to find it was not where I should have
been, but I am still here.  Knowledge
and wisdom have gotten me here, albeit
maybe the long road around.

Now here I am .... a woman who is
breathing with the help of oxygen,
having much dis-ease within my body
and am facing where do I go from here.
I am tired.  Yes, I still find joy in many
things but I am tired.  I will embrace
that too.  I am an old soul.  It is
part of my lessons. 

What I do with it, is up to me.  It is
my direct experience of the mystery
walk I take.  I do not need to define
myself by others.  Sometimes I am
able to actually articulate what I am
living, breathing, and feeling and then
there are those times when I am unable
to do so, but that again is part of my
experience.

I have lived with so much regret in my
life I almost cracked from the weight
of it.  I have learned from that to put
up boundaries with myself and with
those people in my immediate life who
think I should still be paying for those
regrets and have shared with them
why I now choose to move away from it.
It is what it is.

Being very empathic, over the years
I housed many illnesses from others
within me, not knowing how much
harm I was creating for myself.  I am
still working on getting rid of those
moments in my life. Each day a new
beginning.  Each day a new dawning.
It is my dogma.  I know what I need
to do and when I need to do it.  Spirit
always prompts me.  It may be
through something shared, it may
be an A'ha moment but I am always
in tune with my own spirit.  Now I
know how to protect myself for the
most part in shielding those who
come at me in need, so that I don't
take on what isn't mine to own.
We all have our moments with that.
Sometimes we get caught up when
we are unaware only to be hit in
the head with a large 2x4 hours
after the fact and then have to
do the shuffle to undo what we
inadvertantly put into play.  I am
a great muller...I can chew and
mull over a situation until there
is nothing left of it, and have to
throw some spit in there to be
able to rejuvenate it so that I
can make resolution with it.

Since January of this year I have
been working really hard to listen
to myself and not the words of others
no matter how well intentioned
they may be.  My path is my path
and with that I need to figure out
what is true for me or not.  I spent
most of my life living and seeking
approval from others because my
family didn't supply the Love I so
desperately longed for.  Now it is
time to seek out Love that is long,
does not judge, does not condemn,
does not tell me what to do and
how to do it, except in Love, and
let's me make my mistakes and
grow from my own experiences on
my journey, but is there for me
when my underbelly is scratched
and bleeding, and I need some
sort of sustenance so that I can
learn.  Just because you are a
Grandmother does not mean you
aren't always in learning mode.
We learn till the day we leave
here.  I am learning as well not
to offer up my advice too as my
way may not be the best way
for you to travel.

We all find common ground through
the threads we share on a soul
level.  That is where we meet up
with our wholeness.  Those are the
parts I wish to glean from.  I wish
to hear your experience from some
one thing and then I like to liken them
to mine so that those A'ha moments
unfold naturally.  As well, your way
may not be my way and that is okay.
We all at the end of the day, lay
down with our own actions, deeds
and words and go over them for
life's review.  I have made many
mistakes in life for which I am not
proud of but it is okay for me to
make mistakes, but not from second
guessing myself from the thoughts
of someone else.  It is my mystical
experience with the Divine that lives
in me.

So for now I embrace who I am, I
will love who I am or not, and I will
continue to learn to 'mother' myself
the best way I know how.  I will take
first steps as I have always done,
jump off cliffs into the unknown,
stand back from the precipice at
other times because I am unsure,
but they will be my own heartsongs.
I will experience pain, happiness,
sorrow, angst, sadness, peace and joy.
I will find joy in the morning, peace
at the end of the day, happiness in
watching my Grandchildren learn and
explore the world, I will also feel their
pain as they are from my bones, I will
feel sorrow and sadness and even
anger at what is happening to our
waters and our Beloved Earth Mother
but I will continue to have faith that
what is coming will be better than
anything we have ever known.  I will
feel that for me too.  It is all part of
the cycle and circles of life. 

I am grateful for the lessons.
A'Ho!