When I was small I used to dream
that my Mother would stop doing
the housework and spend time with
me.
When I was small I used to dream
that my Father would stop his
drinking and pay attention to me.
When I was small I used to dream
that my Father would not abuse
my Mother.
When I was small I used to dream
that my Parents loved one another.
When I started growing up I used
to dream that my home life was
all that I needed and wanted it to be.
Even more as I grew, I used to dream
of someday having a home filled with
love.
I used to dream that I would find
someone to love me in a special way.
I used to dream that my Mother had not
died but were here to help guide me.
I used to dream that my Father would
stop abusing himself and come home to
take care of his Daughters.
I used to dream of not being shuffled
from pillar to post so that I could
grow roots and thrive.
I used to dream that my Sisters and
I would not continually be separated
from one another.
As I grew older I dreamed that I
would excel in school and I did, as
that was my home away from the
home that was supposed to be.
I then grew up. I was no
longer a child but I was very much
a woman/child who gave up on
Dreaming....
And all of these years later, as I
go through all of those dreams
and wishes and wants I realized
what I want more than anything
is to Love Myself.
I don't know how to do that specifically
but I do know this...I am going to do
this if it kills me.
I am going to keep on dreaming of the
day when I can look at myself in the
mirror and reflect back the beauty that
others see in me.
I dream I can trust myself on this one!
I dream that Great Spirit will hold me
gently while I go through this terrifying
process of recognizing the Divine Being
that I was created to be.
I dream that I will quit lying to myself
and sink into that 'be-ing-ness' with
every fiber I am made of and show
myself the Warrior Woman I have
always shown to others so that I
can stop the damned Dreaming and
Live!
I am going to stop Living myself
through others and Live and Love
for me.
The boundary is now in place.
I have said it for the whole world to
hear. It's scary right now, but I am
going to hold fast to the Dream of
looking in the mirror and reflecting
back...what others see in me.
Instead of Dreaming, I will be able
to Sleep, Rise and Live in Joy.
I am Forgiving Myself.
For all those who have shown me
aspects of myself over the years
to which I ignored as being untrue
I say forgive me, and I say thank
you for believing in me when I have
never believed in myself.
I thank also a young woman whom
I have come to adore, who yesterday
took it upon herself to show me
what I needed to see. You know
who you are. and I'd like to leave
it in the ethers...I am not ready to
share that part yet.
Grandmothers can learn too....
A'HO!
