I don't think embracing change is ever
easy for any of us. At least in my
experience that is certainly true...
We embrace what seems on the surface
to be working for us, as what should
always be the case, and then wham!
Some 'thing' comes along and changes
that perspective all up and suddenly
we are pitched headlong into denial,
self-doubt, questioning our intuition,
and I keep asking myself why I do
that?
Since last Saturday my guts have been
churning as Firekeeper had to go with
his Dad for Springbreak. Order of the
court. Why God, why God, why God?
I keep asking myself that question over
and over and over again. This isn't
even fair to allow this child to be in a
place that in the past has not served
him at all. It has been painful, scary,
emotional, abusive, and yet we have
to follow the law of the land. Why God,
why God, WHY GOD? Justice is blind!
So okay...yesterday Firekeeper had to
go to his appointed time with his
doctor/therapist/psychologist whatever,
and he has always been taken by my
Daughter...his Momma...but THE FATHER
then decided now HE was going to take
him? HUH? What is up with that? I had
to take huge gulps of air....
After stepping back I heard in my soul...
'isn't this what you have been praying
for?' You wanted this relationship to
heal in all areas...and still there is
doubt. Why? Because in the past
whenever THE FATHER made moves
like this and I would pray, it never was
about his son...it was about him exerting
more control and him playing the game
to get what HE WANTS. He always
would fall into the proverbial pile of
chit and come out the victor and
Firekeeper and the rest of us would be
left holding the bag, scratching our heads
as we walked away, with war wounds
once again, and crying from the depths
of our souls....so right now I feel like
the dangling participle...
I believe that all prayer is answered.
I believe it may not be the way I
would like to see it happen. I know
that. The bigger question for me now
is do I believe that THE FATHER has
Firekeeper's best interest at heart?
Not only no, but HELL NO! His history
refutes it. Can people change their
life stripes? Yes...do I think he will
change his? I hope...get that? HOPE
he will open his eyes and truly see,
hear with his ears and truly hear,
feel with his heart and truly feel,
embrace with his heart, apply with his
heart, the Love he should have been
giving this precious child all along.
We
shall
see ....
In the meantime I am still crying on
the inside, as my heart hurts for my
Grandson...but HOPE still remains in
me. I want more than anything total
and absolute healing for my family
and for THE FATHER and his family.
Please God, Please God, Please God
let this be so!
And then the other thing is....
I've been reading over at Terri's blog
how Bo had passed and it sent me
into sorrow over my own dog having
to be put down and I couldn't even
leave a comment...I didn't know what
to say, and here is this special woman
in my life that I just wanted to hug
hugely and could not. I felt paralyzed.
And then yesterday I was reading her
blog and she was sharing her story
of Carol and all I could do was cry.
I then went over to Dani's blog and
all I could do was cry, I cried when
Mary included me in as one of her
Sister/Friends, I cry when I read the
wisdom of Pam and so many others.
So what is up with all of this emotional
sorrow I am feeling...it is as if it is
coming up from the very depths of me.
Triggers going off and I find myself
curling up in a ball. I did not feel at
all well the past few days...Fibromyalgia
can leave one feeling ill-equipped to
handle little...and then all of this crap
on top of it all was just too much.
So I slept, and then slept some more.
Now all I want is to get on that yacht
with all of my new Sister/Friends I am
making here, within the circle that is
growing, and feel the sunshine on my
skin, feel the air blowing all of this
away from me, smell the salt of the
water, hear the laughter and tears
and stories of my Sister/Friends,
dance, drum, sing and sup with one
another and feel the Holiness from
embracing...embracing change as it
comes to me. Embrace Akasa...it is
as easy as opening up your arms
and taking it in. I have sighs in my
bones.
And I am waaay past menopause,
so where, oh where is all this
coming from?
Still the lessons come.
Embrace
Embrace
Embrace
8 comments:
the love of a grandma is hard to describe... much like a mothers yet at times even more intense... it is hard to see them go through times that we know have the possibility of hurting them... yet that is life... be there when he needs you... be that rock he so desparately needs at times... and hug him often.... blessings
Dearest Sister,
As I read this post I felt your pain.
I leave with you this writing..know I understand your suffering. Love You.
Quiet Friend
Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,
what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Sonnets to Orpheus, Part Two, XXIX
(translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)
It is coming from your heart. Trust that the feelings are just what you need right now. Rest while you can. So you will be strong and prepared, if/when Firekeeper needs you.
Be blessed. Know you are loved.
oh, what's that darn quote about tears being a river that take you somewhere? it's something like that.
the tears are good. and necessary.
so glad this circle is here and we can keep our eyes on each other and our hearts open to each other.
thinking of you.....and your grandson...and praying for you both...
there are so many things I wish I could say,
about the little ones father,
about justice,
about the river of tears that sorrow carves into your being,
about the wisdom that comes with age,
about the place in our gut that we feel the truth from.
so many words could I say,
but instead, I just light a candle, and hold you in my thoughts, in my heart, and know that you are where you need to be.
(((((((Akasa))))))))
Maybe just maybe THE FATHER is growing up to understand the world isn't just about him. Well we can all hope for that anyway!
But whatever happens between father and son, lets hope that your grandson doesn't end up hurt again, otherwise it may make it so much harder to obey the law of the land.
BTW don't think there is a date stamp on feeling sad or needing to cry!
xx
I've heard it said that we finally grow up when we understand that life is not fair.
Firekeeper has something with him that the past generations have lacked. He has the contrast between his father's world and the one his grandmother is showing him. Perhaps, as difficult as it is, it will be seeing BOTH sides that will allow him to make the courageous choice to end the cycle of abuse. You are giving him that contrast. Trust.
"No ray of sunlight is ever lost; but the green it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to reap the harvest. All work that is worth doing is done in Faith."
-- Albert Schweitzer
Each Beloved and Blessed One of You has touched me beyond measure...
As I've sat with this sorrow born so deep the past few days I've read and reread each comment left here and can only say this...
Thank You! You are Grace! You are Sister Love...and I have made it through because of that.
I Love You All...so very much....
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