Breathing The Dream Awake...Waking From Sorrow

Days have gone by now...days that
have blurred and run all together
as one...awake yet dreaming, and
in that dream this is what I saw...

I was laying in the midst of a circle
of women...they had arrived one by
one.  Each bringing her unique and
special 'healing' gift.  Some were
tending my body, and as they did so
they wrapped me in an old quilt,
a quilt made of love by old hands,
hands that were ancient, wrinkly,
liver spotted and gnarled, but so
soft that I knew the Star Quilt of
The Grandmother would feel like
the softness of Her gossamer wings,
the velvety flannel of a cattail,
and would be structured with thread
so strong, that it would infuse my
body with the silk of her web...the
web and circle of the women who
now were deep into the healing
of my deeper self.  I slept.

I slept for three weeks...and during
the dreaming I could 'see' as if from
above my body...and looking down,
there they all were still...and I was
amazed.  These women were such
astounding individuals that were
giving of their hearts and time...and
I could feel the love spinning and
whirling within the lodge...bouncing
off the chamois skin walls like stars,
as that is what the energy was...pure
energy stars...lighting up the lodge
with crystalline brilliance.  There was
no need of light.  Each woman's aura
strong and full of God/dess Light.

The fire had been lit with the hot ash
from another Needfire...and one woman,
The Firekeeper, Dancingfire, had lovingly
tended it and kept it going throughout
the healing...breathing her healing aspects
into the hot coals to be transformed into
my body...the fire was to be used for
the steeping of herbs, sage, and the
sacred teas that were gently lifted to
my parched lips by Ruby Moon, The Wise
Woman and Keeper of the Sacred Herbs
and the notions and potions of all time.

The waters were then set upon the fire
to keep my body bathed, and again, one woman
alone tended to me.  I watched Sharon Rain
sprinkle me with the Holy Water that had been
infused with sacred oils...Patchouli, Sandalwood,
Frankincense and Myrrh...the dwelling and
my body was filled with earthly and heavenly
scents...and all the while she sang...the others
called her Gimiwan and she brought the
healing rains forth to parched lands and
bodies when needed.  She also read the stars
and planets and knew this was my great time
of healing.

One by one the other Sisters kept arriving...

Terri who carried the bone sighs within her
medicine pouch and one by one she would
pull them out to reveal them and shed light
upon any and all within her energy.  The
bone sighs who spoke for all women
everywhere.

Mary who was like the Mother of Jesus...
loved with a love that was so sweet and
miraculous one could feel that love pour
forth in miraculous ways...ways that the
skin and psyche were quick to take in.
We all took it within.  She not only was
the Beatitudes she lived the Beatitudes.

There was the Wise Woman Pam who
was the village wordsmith, who spoke
to the plants, animals and stone, and
recognized the kindred spirits of each
one, so that even those elements had
given in the healing...she would place
stones strategically around me, the
stones the Stone People had shown her
that would bring relief to my body.  Pam
was also the village drumkeeper and aligned
all of our heartbeats with that of The
Grandmother...The Moon, Unci.

Quietly the flap opened and in walked
Forest Ama...The Skywalker...she had
healing clouds and stars in bundles,
and when she opened them, they spun
out into the lodge touching each woman
delicately, bringing smiles to all the
faces within the lodge...all were hushed
now as she went to the head of my body,
sat down on the buffalo pelt where my
body layed in deep sleep and gently
placed my head in her lap...closing her
eyes she began her special means of
healing...and my body began to move
ever so slightly, so slight that only a
trained eye could see it, but it was moving
and the wise one kept her knowings to her
self but kept busy to the end...always
stroking, whispering in my ear and little
by little my body would move a hair's
breath more, the tears started to dry that
had been flowing non-stop...even during
the deep sleep.

There was also Sorrow Woman...who
knew my sorrow, had experienced her
own, many ways and many times and
she sat quietly off to the side of the
fire and prayed...lifting her healing
prayers up ...

There were many more there...some of
them inside and some of them out...
all with specific healing modalities of
their own but my heart swelled in love
for the miracle and beauty of their
compassion in my time of need.

All at once, the Drum grew louder, the
Fire sparked and sputtered, the women
began to murmer softly, and I was thrown
back into my body with a start!  My
eyelids began to flutter and all could see
I was coming around now...

All were waiting with breath held close to
heart...and Wise Old Ama gently sat me up
against her breast, Gimiwan wiped my brow
and face with a worn and soft cotton cloth,
Ruby Moon held the sacred sage tea to my
lips to drink and drink I did..as if I had
been parched for a million years.  Wise
woman Dancingfire started a sage smudge
which we all began to use to purify the lodge
and our bodies and threw the rest on the
Needfire and then she began to call in The
Ancient Ones to surround us in Holy Love
and Pure Light...and Mary the Beloved...led
us all in a Healing Chant.

It was then that Sister Sorrow got up from
her quiet place...walked over to me and
reached down her hand and pulled me to
my feet...speaking softly to me, and telling
me it was time now...time to leave the
sorrow behind, to dry up the tears, to let
Love reside within my bones, and because
I knew she knew, I let her lead me outside
of the lodge, where the nightsky shone
with a million stars from all dimensions
everywhere...

I slowly became aware of what had just
taken place...and as I turned to each
Sister and Wise Woman there, I knew I
had just experienced something pivotal
in my 'be'ing, and while I felt totally empty,
I also felt the emptiness was there for a
very specific purpose and would be revealed
to me over time.  I had just been awakened.
Awakened...and the Sorrow had vanished.
It was then I heard Camille The Joykeeper
start to sing...and one by one the women
joined her and for the first time in a long,
very long time I believed the words...

The Words Were....

Embracing...

I don't think embracing change is ever
easy for any of us.  At least in my
experience that is certainly true...
We embrace what seems on the surface
to be working for us, as what should
always be the case, and then wham!
Some 'thing' comes along and changes
that perspective all up and suddenly
we are pitched headlong into denial,
self-doubt, questioning our intuition,
and I keep asking myself why I do
that?

Since last Saturday my guts have been
churning as Firekeeper had to go with
his Dad for Springbreak.  Order of the
court.  Why God, why God, why God?
I keep asking myself that question over
and over and over again.  This isn't
even fair to allow this child to be in a
place that in the past has not served
him at all.  It has been painful, scary,
emotional, abusive, and yet we have
to follow the law of the land.  Why God,
why God, WHY GOD?  Justice is blind!

So okay...yesterday Firekeeper had to
go to his appointed time with his
doctor/therapist/psychologist whatever,
and he has always been taken by my
Daughter...his Momma...but THE FATHER
then decided now HE was going to take
him?  HUH?  What is up with that?  I had
to take huge gulps of air....

After stepping back I heard in my soul...
'isn't this what you have been praying
for?'  You wanted this relationship to
heal in all areas...and still there is
doubt.  Why?  Because in the past
whenever THE FATHER made moves
like this and I would pray, it never was
about his son...it was about him exerting
more control and him playing the game
to get what HE WANTS.  He always
would fall into the proverbial pile of
chit and come out the victor and
Firekeeper and the rest of us would be
left holding the bag, scratching our heads
as we walked away, with war wounds
once again, and crying from the depths
of our souls....so right now I feel like
the dangling participle...

I believe that all prayer is answered.
I believe it may not be the way I
would like to see it happen.  I know
that.  The bigger question for me now
is do I believe that THE FATHER has
Firekeeper's best interest at heart?
Not only no, but HELL NO!  His history
refutes it.  Can people change their
life stripes?  Yes...do I think he will
change his?  I hope...get that?  HOPE
he will open his eyes and truly see,
hear with his ears and truly hear,
feel with his heart and truly feel,
embrace with his heart, apply with his
heart, the Love he should have been
giving this precious child all along. 
We
shall
see ....

In the meantime I am still crying on
the inside, as my heart hurts for my
Grandson...but HOPE still remains in
me.  I want more than anything total
and absolute healing for my family
and for THE FATHER and his family.

Please God, Please God, Please God
let this be so!

And then the other thing is....
I've been reading over at Terri's blog
how Bo had passed and it sent me
into sorrow over my own dog having
to be put down and I couldn't even
leave a comment...I didn't know what
to say, and here is this special woman
in my life that I just wanted to hug
hugely and could not.  I felt paralyzed.
And then yesterday I was reading her
blog and she was sharing her story
of Carol and all I could do was cry.
I then went over to Dani's blog and
all I could do was cry, I cried when
Mary included me in as one of her
Sister/Friends, I cry when I read the
wisdom of Pam and so many others.

So what is up with all of this emotional
sorrow I am feeling...it is as if it is
coming up from the very depths of me.
Triggers going off and I find myself
curling up in a ball.  I did not feel at
all well the past few days...Fibromyalgia
can leave one feeling ill-equipped to
handle little...and then all of this crap
on top of it all was just too much. 
So I slept, and then slept some more.

Now all I want is to get on that yacht
with all of my new Sister/Friends I am
making here, within the circle that is
growing, and feel the sunshine on my
skin, feel the air blowing all of this
away from me, smell the salt of the
water, hear the laughter and tears
and stories of my Sister/Friends,
dance, drum, sing and sup with one
another and feel the Holiness from
embracing...embracing change as it
comes to me.  Embrace Akasa...it is
as easy as opening up your arms
and taking it in.  I have sighs in my
bones.

And I am waaay past menopause,
so where, oh where is all this
coming from?

Still the lessons come.

Embrace
Embrace
Embrace