I've been doing lots of inner work here
lately...
Prompted by learning to deal with the
things my grandson is going through
at the present time...which brings me
around to The Secret I'd like to share
today as it is something up until
yesterday I had never thought about
ever.
Never.
I've been thinking about pulling up
those things inside of me that so
changed the little girl inside of me.
Those things that are dark. Those
things we never dare breathe to
another soul and especially if we
make a promise not to. I made a
promise for the Sea Shell Man as
I call him now...and I wonder why
I kept The Secret until now? Why
hasn't it come up until now? I'm
asking myself that.
The plausible answer is......
it is needed so that I can share
it with my Grandchildren when the
time is right so they will know
how to deal with Sea Shell Men.
Yesterday as I was going about
the daily business of life, a huge
screen started playing in my
head and words started rolling
around .....
The light is on in the shed. I
wonder who is in there?
All of a sudden the Sea Shell Man
broke out on the screen and I
began to inwardly scream, Oh No!
Not him...please not him!
Is it the skinny, freckled old man
who lured me in to see his sea
shells and I believed him? By
now my body is rigid and I wanted
to stop the screenplay but it
would not stop. I see him
beckoning me into the garage and
picking out a handful of shells to
give to me and all of a sudden
I am smelling his putrid, horrid
breath.
Bony, long fingers were all over
my body at once, and he's
whispering, "I'll give you these
sea shells, if you don't tell
anyone...let's keep it our secret."
I was filled with terror, with tears
streaming down my face, my seven
year old mind trying to process
what had just happened. And all
the while he is touching my breasts
which had not budded yet, trying
to get one hand in my shorts while
the other hand is stuffing those
shells in my hand. Now my mind
has short-circuited and I'm going
to be sick and I tear off running
back down the alley the way I
came, all the while spitting and
trying to remove that putridness
from my mouth, my body, as it
feels like it is permeating all of
me.
And my fingers wrapped around
those Sea Shells were burning
so I flung them as I far as I
could and continued running.
Tears and snot running
down my seven year old face.
I'd sworn not to tell. I never have.
Until now. And now "The Secret"
has been exposed.
He no longer has power. I've
taken it back....and I've kicked
his ass into kingdom come!
I've reclaimed the skipping
little girl that is me.....
4 comments:
I wonder, does each of us have a painful, hideous secret that we keep to ourselves? I was not 7 but 14. I didn't know my Sea Shell man, but flaunted my pubescent body at him like a siren. Look at me! Look at me! But I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know. I didn't know. Oh God I was scared. I did what he told me to do, shocked, repulsed. He dropped us off at the corner. We snuck in the house quietly so her mom wouldn't hear us. When we woke up, we looked at each other and laughed. We never mentioned it again.
Over the years I confessed to a few trusted people, but the stigma of the secret lingers still. Innocence lost can not be regained. But shouting out the secret may just put a stop to it happening to someone else.
Thanks for your courage.
i'm not even sure what to say.
feels almost to speak breaks some power here. but not to feels wrong.
how many little girls have this story? how is it possible so many little girls have this story?
i am so sorry. i just am so sorry.
but you're right......he has no power now. only if we let him.
sending you love...
I'm crying...
But I'm holding onto your love
Terri...
A million Thank You's Terri for
helping me to bring out my bone
sighs!
Sending you love...
You know the sad part is Merry ME, that I have more stories just the same as this one but at what point do we say Hey! I will not give these Sea Shell men any more power in my life.
Yes, my innocence was lost. By him, my father, my uncle, a person of the church that I lived with after my mother crossed over. I stuffed these feelings over and over again and why this one thing came out the day before yesterday I haven't a clue but I know this...
I am glad it did.
I remember telling my mom when my father exposed himself to me. She just whisked me away from him. I felt like I had done something wrong...it was never mentioned again so I never knew if she had taken care of it or not but it left me empty and every time after that with the others.
Then in my thirties after my father died, I let it all out and nobody believed me.
So after a while you just learn to go on the best way you can and you box it up and shove it into the attic of your soul where it lingers creating dis-ease in your body.
I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm doing it for the women and the children now and yes, maybe me too.
It did take courage...I never expected to post this but if we never take a risk in life we may as well pack up our suitcases and go home.
You are courageous too! So lets be courageous together...
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