Resilience...

I don't know how many times in my life
I've heard that children are resilient...
'Oh, he or she will bounce back!' 'Don't
worry...'

I say they are no different than you or
me. They take it in, suck it in, bury it
waaay down deep, close the lid on it,
the thing of it, so they don't have to
peek inside of 'it' until they are able
to process it, handle it, mull it over
and make sense of it, just like we do.

Children are not resilient...

I never was. I cried, and screamed.
I acted out. And then I became silent.
So did my Grandson. After a while you
learn it doesn't do any good to speak
because nobody can hear you. They
listen but they cannot hear you.

Sometimes you end up hurting yourself.
Other times you end up hurting others.
Not because you want to, but because
you don't know any other way ...
to deal with the pain. It comes out
S I D E W A Y S.

It took me all of my life to even begin
to understand why I felt the way I did.
All of my life to learn how to deal with
pain..the pain somebody else has
perpetrated on you...and here is this
little boy, my grandson, who for no other
reason than being someone's son, for
not living up to that person's expectation,
for who knows what reason, had to take
on that pain too.

When I looked in his eyes when he tried
to hurt himself I saw this beg empty
place...someone had stolen my beloved.
He was this little shell standing in front
of me, with no tears, no emotion, just
agreeing with me as I told him please
do not do this again...please let us help
you now...I know it is hard to trust the
process but now we have help and you
will be on the road to a healthier place.
And he looked up at me and I thought
I wanted to die. Just lay down and
die.

I've had this image in my head all day.
I hate it. He's getting better and I feel
pain...I hope I never get rid of that
image in my head because it will keep
me vigilant.

My heart hurts, my head hurts, and he
being the wonderful and wise young
man that he is...is home doing some
things to help him on his road to well
'being.' Today he can smile and I see
him in his eyes when I look at him.
Pretty incredible!

I think I will take my cue from him...

Grandmother Great Spirit...

Please watch over us...watch over
all those who hurt this night and
keep them safe.

A'Ho!