Elders....

Elders

we have been here so short a time

and we pretend that we have invented memory

we have forgotten what it is like to be you

who do not remember us

we remember imagining that what survived us

would be like us

and would remember the world as it appears to us

but it will be your eyes that will fill with light

we kill you again and again

and we turn into you

eating the forests

eating the earth and water

and dying of them

departing from ourselves

leaving you the morning

in its antiquity

~W. S. Merwin~

Remember...

Remember, remember
 the circle of the sky
the stars and the brown
 eagle
the supernatural winds
breathing night and day
from the four directions

Remember, remember
 the great life of the sun
breathing on the earth
it lies upon the earth
to bring out life upon
 the earth
life covering the earth

Remember, remember
 the sacredness of things
running streams and
dwellings
the young within the nest
a hearth for sacred fire
the holy flame of fire

~Pawnee/Osage/Omaha
        Indian Song

Wishing for you a dwelling of safe
and sacred hearth fire and heartsong.
Let it be a living flame...
A'HO!

Remembering and Rejoicing...

I've been sitting here this morning
thinking about my soon to be
six-year old Grandaughter.  I am
having a time of tears and laughter
as I recall the day she was born.

Born two months premature, she
was the tiniest creature I'd ever
laid eyes on!  Her little hands
were about as big as the first digit
on my little finger. Her skin was
very fair, almost translucent and
I just stood and studied her for
what seemed like an eternity.  Of
course she was in an incubator
so I could not pick her up and
hold her, but had I been given the
opportunity to at that moment in
time, I'd have said no?  I was
scared to death to hold this
precious little bundle in my arms
for fear of hurting her.  Delicate,
fragile, white whispy hair, she
somehow seemed otherworldy to
this Grandmother who thought
she'd seen just about anything
there was to see.

Well, she has grown up to her
full six year old body and is
still full of that emerging early
energy she came here with...
funny, outspoken, comedic, and
yet sensitive, kind, and a
wonderful mixture of male/female
balancing of her energies, I look
at her now and think this child
is a study in contrast and it
causes me to smile and smile
rejoicingly!

She is my little fashion diva,
a lover of playing in the dirt,
with trucks, marbles, and sticks,
she loves flowers and cannot
help but picking them, she is
equally enamored of nail polish,
make-up, hats, fake tattoos,
and ooey-gooey cakes.

She has learned to call me now
on the phone and calls most days
to say "hello Grandma, whatcha
doin'?"  I have begun to leave
messages on her phone with
funny songs like "I love the
Weini Man" or pretend to be
someone else and sometimes
am able to fool her, which is a
stitch...and leaves me breathless
from laughing so hard.

So My Little Dolly...as we
celebrate your day on the 23rd
of this month, I am sure like
today I will be sucked back into
the time vacuum remembering
and rejoicing the little you that
you were and then being catapulted
into the now of your becoming...all
willowy, bending with the flow, with
graceful limbs reaching outwards
to reach new experiences and new
heights as yet unexplored...

May your journey always be one
of delight, and joy! 

You are loved and my beloved!
Grandma

Remembering...

I don't remember how old I was...
perhaps around eight or so.

It was bedtime, and I remember
my mother calling me out into
the living room where she had
made a bed on the couch to sleep.

She asked if I'd lay down with her.
In my mind I was thinking all sorts
of crazy things as this was not
something my mother did.

My mom was a very closed-up
woman.  Life had beaten her
down to a shadow of herself at
a very early age...so she very
rarely spoke to us, except to
tell us to do something, or to
scream at us because she was
afraid of life or so I feel in my
heart at this point in time.  I
know if she were here now, she
would agree with me.

So anyway, she was holding a
kitchen knife in her hand and
put it under her pillow, laid
down, and then had me lay in
front of her, spooning me.  She
whispered she was afraid that
my dad would show up drunk
again, and do something stupid.

My father was an alcoholic all of
his life...never to be depended
on...and at this point in time
they were going through a
divorce.  Fact of the matter was,
he was just plain out of body
most of the time.

So my mother's fears were my
fears, you could feel it permeate
our home.  I could have taken
the knife we were sleeping with
and cut the fear hanging in the
air, and she had every right to
be afraid.  When I look back on
her life with him I am amazed
she made it to the age of thirty.

Wow...to be dead at thirty really
hits me hard.  Who can give up
at thirty?  But I know that is
exactly what happened.  So many
life happenings for her she just
gave up.  Too overwhelming.

And this scene has been replaying
itself over and over in my mind
the past few days...how my mind
was feeling as a young child
trying to make sense of the world
she had been born into, the fear
of a mother who was ill-quipped
to handle life and by today's
standards would be deemed
manic depressive at the very least,
and how I learned at an early age
to become the warrior woman I
am now.  I have been through all
of that and more but I rise the
victor....


I am victorious!  I have life scars
I can wear proudly.  So why am
I thinking so much of this night.
The night my Mommy put a knife
under her pillow and asked me
to lay down with her?  I still
feel that fear as if it were
yesterday...

And right now, I wish with all
of my heart she were still here.
I am pretty sure she would be
proud of the me I turned out
to be.

I still love you Mommy...and I
thank you for the life lessons.
That fear has its reason in our
life, but we must keep pushing
on...even on dark days.

So this morning, I will lay this
remembrance to rest, it has
walked across my heart too much.
A new day is before me.  The sun
is shining brilliantly, and the snow
is crystal brilliance.  A purification
of my soul.