Remembering...

I don't remember how old I was...
perhaps around eight or so.

It was bedtime, and I remember
my mother calling me out into
the living room where she had
made a bed on the couch to sleep.

She asked if I'd lay down with her.
In my mind I was thinking all sorts
of crazy things as this was not
something my mother did.

My mom was a very closed-up
woman.  Life had beaten her
down to a shadow of herself at
a very early age...so she very
rarely spoke to us, except to
tell us to do something, or to
scream at us because she was
afraid of life or so I feel in my
heart at this point in time.  I
know if she were here now, she
would agree with me.

So anyway, she was holding a
kitchen knife in her hand and
put it under her pillow, laid
down, and then had me lay in
front of her, spooning me.  She
whispered she was afraid that
my dad would show up drunk
again, and do something stupid.

My father was an alcoholic all of
his life...never to be depended
on...and at this point in time
they were going through a
divorce.  Fact of the matter was,
he was just plain out of body
most of the time.

So my mother's fears were my
fears, you could feel it permeate
our home.  I could have taken
the knife we were sleeping with
and cut the fear hanging in the
air, and she had every right to
be afraid.  When I look back on
her life with him I am amazed
she made it to the age of thirty.

Wow...to be dead at thirty really
hits me hard.  Who can give up
at thirty?  But I know that is
exactly what happened.  So many
life happenings for her she just
gave up.  Too overwhelming.

And this scene has been replaying
itself over and over in my mind
the past few days...how my mind
was feeling as a young child
trying to make sense of the world
she had been born into, the fear
of a mother who was ill-quipped
to handle life and by today's
standards would be deemed
manic depressive at the very least,
and how I learned at an early age
to become the warrior woman I
am now.  I have been through all
of that and more but I rise the
victor....


I am victorious!  I have life scars
I can wear proudly.  So why am
I thinking so much of this night.
The night my Mommy put a knife
under her pillow and asked me
to lay down with her?  I still
feel that fear as if it were
yesterday...

And right now, I wish with all
of my heart she were still here.
I am pretty sure she would be
proud of the me I turned out
to be.

I still love you Mommy...and I
thank you for the life lessons.
That fear has its reason in our
life, but we must keep pushing
on...even on dark days.

So this morning, I will lay this
remembrance to rest, it has
walked across my heart too much.
A new day is before me.  The sun
is shining brilliantly, and the snow
is crystal brilliance.  A purification
of my soul.